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Nuisance Phone calls


Nuisance phone calls, we all get them, we all hate them.

They hound us over energy bills, new phones, insuring our devices or telling us our computer has a virus. But today one called for Stefka. She didn’t want to speak to them and I was feeling a bit devilish, so I took the call.

Below is a transcript of our conversation…and this time it is all correct.

Caller: Hello, is that Mr Stefka? Me: Who? Caller: Mr Stefka, er or is that Kondova? Me: I don’t know. Who do you want? Caller: Mr Kondova? Me: No. Pause to allow the poor dear to collect her thoughts….. Caller: Hello sir, I am calling from Spot Energy… Me: Who? Caller: Spot. Spot Energy Me: Spot as in a stain or spot as in a skin blemish? Caller: Er…we supply gas and electricity Me: Oh right. Sorry. Carry on. Caller: According to our records you are with British Gas for you electricity, is that right? Me: No. Caller: Oh, you aren’t with British Gas? Me: No, we’re with Bulgarian Gas Caller Bulgarian Gas? Me: Yes, they’re brilliant. They give you towels when you sign up Caller: Towels. Me: Yes. Big fluffy ones with ‘Buy Bulgarian and let us light up your life’ written on them, and they have the cutest little light-bulb and flame characters. We signed up for three years and got an extra ten towels as a thank you. Longer pause. More regrouping: Caller Okay, well what do you look for in your electricity supply? Me: Oh well, let me see. Light. I look for good light, and switches; they’re also important. Ooo, oo! And I like sockets as I have an awful lot of plugs and they need places to go. Some days I can just spend the whole afternoon putting plugs in sockets. Oh and towels, we look for good quality towels, like the ones from Bulgarian Gas. Pause again and the sound of a pill bottle being opened and a few being hastily swallowed…she pushed on: Caller: Are you the bill payer? Me: No Caller: Who is? Me: Stefka Caller: Who is Stefka Me: The bill payer. Caller: And is she happy with what you pay? Me: Reasonably Caller: How much do you pay? Me: 400 Sheckles a month, two Yaks and a chicken…the exchange rate is really very good. Caller: I wonder if I could talk to Stefka? Me: No she’s a little busy at the moment. Caller: What’s she doing? Me: Washing the towels then she has to go out and catch three chickens Caller: Three chickens? Why three Chickens? Me: Because we pay our bills quarterly. Caller: Thank you for your time and I hope you have a nice day. Then she was gone. Bless her she was professional thorough. If it wasn’t for the fact that we’re very happy with Bulgarian Gas I think I’d swap to Spot Energy.


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All artwork and the written word are copyright Karl Dixon