Today I am very proud of myself, because today I learned to successfully eat an egg sandwich.
I'm not talking about the egg slices, tomato and lettuce ones, I'm talking the mashed boiled egg with an unhealthy dob of mayonnaise.
I mean it would be a lot easier to have the former, especially when you consider my track record with food. Seriously, I can liberally cover the surrounding area with more of the inner contents than I actually consume. Give me an crisp sandwich and by the time I'm finished the immediate environs look more like the back end of a wood chipper. Give me anything with tomato ketchup in it and the neighbouring walls resemble a CSI crime scene.
But egg is the worst. Egg, if I had to choose one, is both my favourite filling and most spectacular show. I have been known to greedily bite into one end of the sandwich only to have 40% of the filling head toward the opposite wall like a Kamikaze pilot with his foot off the brake.
Any one passing by me when I'm in action does so at their peril. And as if to illustrate this point, a few weeks back I decided to take a stroll through a near-by park when I was taken hungry. I spotted a shop, purchased an egg, mayonnaise and watercress roll and was heavily engaged in putting the best part of it in my mouth when one of those designer cyclists came by. You know the sort; Lycra shorts which look like they're housing two walnuts and a half eaten chipolata.
Anyway, he was obviously having a day away from annoying the hell out of the traffic and was going through the park.
'How dangerous could this be?' he must've thought as he took in the delightful sounds of nature and children laughing and squealing in the play area. But then he had no idea that I and my egg, mayonnaise and watercress sandwich were but seconds away from spectacularly entering his life.
To be honest, I don't think the poor devil stood a chance. He drew level just as my jaws clamped down on the roll, making the contents of the back end fly out like a cork from a champagne bottle. He turned at the last second, but he was too late. The advance party of egg and mayo hit him clean in his multi tinted glasses while the rear guard of lumpy egg and watercress insinuated its way around the bike's peddles.
In a horrific scene that probably only took a few seconds, but seemed to last a life time, the cyclist veered off the path, desperately trying to wipe the recalcitrant filling from his glasses, as he drove over two picnics, parted three sets of lovers, upended another park bencher who was separated from both his lunch and a Kindle, before joining a semi erotic sculpture in the middle off the water fountain.
When he finally disentangled himself from his bike and the egg, mayo and watercress, me and my roll were nowhere to be seen.
This situation aside, I am fully aware of my eating problems and have taken a lot of time looking into the issue, and I now feel that I have the answer to all those fellow sandwich eating sufferers, like myself.
I wont go into too much detail as I'm busily writing a self help book titled: 'How to eat an Egg, mayonnaise and watercress sandwich without causing accidents or potential fatalities'. But what I will say is it involves a new kind of patented straw.
On a final note: I will also be producing a follow up Self-Help book that deals with the safe consumption of Spaghetti. But the incidents I wish to record in this book are still part of an ongoing investigation, and it may take some time for the parties involved to come out of therapy before they feel strong enough to re-live the incident.
I will, of course, keep you posted.
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